At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
