Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
