why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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