I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
