saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
