If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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