Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
