What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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