You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
