Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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