I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
