If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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