the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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