I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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