guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
