My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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