so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
two words: eviction party
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
