I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
