Will you blow on my dice?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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