Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
