i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
