so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
