youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
