So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
