I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
