I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
