just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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