Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Everything about him screamed your future.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
