i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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