I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
