i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
