Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
