I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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