I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
