im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
