would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
