Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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