Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
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