You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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