17 year olds will be the death of me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
