You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
