Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
