I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
