I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
