How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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