Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
