i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
