dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
