If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
