I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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