You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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