so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
