someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
