guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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