I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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