I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize