I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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