It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
