The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
