apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
