i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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