I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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