For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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