i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
