I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
