Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
