I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
